Friendships that Last
December, 5 2023 | By Marcos Barrios ES ‘24
image description: a group of people in an open field posing in front of a sunset
My classes are almost finished. I’m packing up my dorm room for the final time. I have my plans set for the spring. And yet, there’s still one thing nagging me: what do I do about my friends?
I’ve never been that good at keeping long-term friendships. Perhaps it’s a consequence of moving schools growing up. Or figuring out that the easiest way to survive divorced parents is to focus on the present and not on what you’ve left behind. Or maybe I’m just a terrible texter.
Whatever the reason, it’s always been difficult to keep friendships once I’ve left a place. I have no problem making friends; at every point in my life, I’ve had incredibly supportive people that I’ve loved and enjoyed. It’s just that when I leave, say, from middle school to high school or high school to college, I don’t bring them with me. I stop reaching out. I move on, meet new people, and then move on again.
To an extent, that happens with everyone. We all change and grow and move forward with our lives. At Yale, we make post-grad decisions motivated by our job interests and salaries, not by staying near friends. But as I’m preparing to make another life transition, I’ve been increasingly nervous about saying goodbye to the people I've grown so close to over four of the most defining years of my life. I don’t want to move on and not bring those people with me, especially those friends who share my faith. College friends are supposed to last a lifetime.
As a Christian, friendship is a recurring theme in the Bible. Whether it’s David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Daniel and his friends, or many others, life partners are crucial in the walk of faith.
The scriptures speak much about what healthy friendships look like. Proverbs describes “a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Prv. 18:24) Ecclesiastes stresses that “two are better than one…if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (Ecc. 4:9-10) Jesus Himself, explaining the heart of love, famously says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13)
There’s no doubt that friendship is crucial for people, and especially believers. I've experienced the joy and solace of having friends to mourn and celebrate with. But as I’ve thought about what it takes to make friendships last, I, unsurprisingly, end up looking to God Himself.
We know God as Creator, Ruler, and Judge. But God as our friend is just as central. Through His faith, Abraham was called “the friend of God.” When Jesus traveled with his disciples, He said to them, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15)
So, what kind of friend is God? For one thing, He’s faithful. The Scriptures show how present He is in the history of Israel and how many times He keeps His promises and provides for His people. He’s forgiving, remembering His “[people] are dust," (Ps. 103:14), treating us with grace we don’t deserve. And He’s proactive, seeking His people by sending prophets, signs, and wonders. He searches for His lost sheep and runs to meet His children. He ultimately took the first step of love, giving His son for us while we were still sinners.
God is the kind of friend we all at times fail to be. When I look at my friendships, I see that I haven’t been faithful and forgiving. I haven’t been proactive. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve given up on many people. But God doesn’t give up on us, and He expects us to extend His same love to others.
I stumbled on a quote from C.S. Lewis who wrote about friendship in his The Four Loves, not as a necessary part of life but as a gift from God.
“For a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends, ‘Ye have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.” Friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
Sometimes, it can feel like friendships are simply the result of accident and fortune—the right class at the right school at the right time. But Lewis reminds us that God works in all things and places people in our lives for a reason and as a gift. This should change how we view our friendships. They're not an obligation or a chore, but they’re a gift from God to steward well, to take care of, to care for, and to love. It takes work, faithfulness, and persistence. No one said it would be easy. And so I pray that God’s spirit will grow in me to be a better friend, more like Him. One that sticks with others for the long haul, ready to pick them up when they fall season after season. One who will make the first move of reaching out and checking in. And one willing to lay down my life out of love for the other.